My Thoughts on Hugs
I had an occasion a while ago to comment on a post. A woman asked a group of people what they thought was the tipping point, event or cause of such an evolution in parenting and the family unit. Now, that's a tough question to answer, but I thought I'd give it a try. Here is what I thought about in trying to answer her question.
Much of my childhood was very much like you described when I was living with my grandparents. However, there was an almost equal amount of it that was not good at all.
You are looking for the tipping point and I'm not sure there was just one, but rather a slowly emerging different type of lifestyle that was a result of many things. I will speak, without judgment, to some of them.
I think every parent wants more for their children than they had. A better and an easier life, for example, as many of our parents/grandparents didn't exactly have it easy. As kids, some of us didn't know that; others knew perfectly well how miserable and difficult life was. Until I was an adult, I had no idea that my grandparents had any hardships at all. While I was out playing until the street lights came on, my grandmother was in the cellar canning vegetables to be sure we had enough through the winter. I was sound asleep when she was up at 4 a.m. baking as many as two dozen pies to sell for the extra money. She took orders for her delicious pies twice a month. My point is this: there was or may have been a flip side to the coin that we didn't see.
In the 60s came the marches for freedom that were long overdue and I was a part of them. It was a time for change and change did happen, not enough in my opinion, not only for people of color, but in many other areas of life, too. People, including woman as well, began to stand up for themselves and demand better treatment, more freedom to do as they pleased and pursue their dreams. Somehow, the lives of many escalated into free love and drugs in the 70s. Whether or not one sees this as a good or bad thing doesn't really matter now as it's history. The freedom of many had been suppressed for so long.
At the same time, the Vietnam war was going on and that alone changed the family dynamics. Dad was no longer at home...and that is not to say war was the only thing that removed fathers from the home...there was divorce - a word that wasn't ever a part of my grandparents’ vocabulary. But regarding the war, I think it's important to note that we lost over 58,000 soldiers and many who came home were never to be the same again, whether physically or mentally. Their coming home brought no fanfare with it; so many people opposed the war I'm not sure there was much respect for our veterans upon their return. There still isn't today!
Over the years, women flooded the work place. I'm not saying that's a bad thing either, but they did not have equal pay for equal work. Many worked more than one job just to provide for their family and kids came home from school to an empty home having to fend for themselves for any number of hours.
Technology has improving by leaps and bounds. Over the years, we transitioned from the three or four channels on TV to 24 hour television. While there was some excellent programming available, often there was no one at home to monitor what was watched. There were probably more young people (some of them very young) who had to grow up fast...and they did. Meals, thrown together as best they could, were eaten in front of the TV; it was the only thing talking to them.
I'm not assessing any blame here at all; it's just what happened as I look back, just my opinion. If I was able to step back in time, I'd be hard-pressed to determine how to avoid it or change it. It seems as though everyone, regardless of their age, was forced to become more autonomous. Many of them did it very well, others not so much. Some of those who did not have family created or joined one. Gangs emerged and were not only very territorial, they were family. As weapons became more readily available, there was violence.
We still have that violence today, but most of it comes from an individual (or group of individuals) who needs something that is not available to them, be it in their homes or at school. I’m not defending these individuals, but I do have to wonder if things would be different if they had someone to talk to, someone around to spot a brewing mental illness that is being ignored. The result is kids no longer have the freedom or safe opportunity to go out and play until the street lights come on. I realize we cannot hide under a rock, but the truth is we never know if a theater, restaurant, a church, or any place is a safe place today.
And we have cell phones and social media where we can all communicate with one another...and we do. They have a purpose, especially today where families are spread out across the country, but there is no tone, no eye contact, and no body language. It's not the same. And for those who are going against everything that should be right with the world, something is missing - and it's probably been missing for years. It's called family, and while many of us have it, not everyone does.
To be fair, there are many young people today who turn out more than fine. They are respectful and responsible. They are active in sports and other school activities, or in some way in their community, and they excel.
I don't know that I can pinpoint what tipped the scales, what the turning point was, but I do have an opinion on what could help. It's empathy. It's a listening ear. It's people who know how to actively listen without interjecting any of their own stuff. So many people think that listening is remaining quiet while another person speaks, and during that time they are thinking of what they are going to say in response. And, all too often they bypass what the person just said to them and go into a statement that sounds like, "I know how you feel. When I was..."
Well, my friends, there goes the focus of the conversation from the needs of one person talking about an experience that upset or hurt them to the person who was supposed to be listening--a lost opportunity to gain insight into what is troubling or upsetting the person you were supposed to be listening to. You may think you actually know how they feel, and it's possible you do, but you never asked and you never gave that person a chance to tell you. The focus of the conversation was switched to something that happened to you. We would all, each and every one of us, do well to learn how to actively listen.
Please be aware that some have suffered so much trauma they may not be able to speak about it for sometime, if at all, and they may not trust anyone. Educate and inform yourself about how to best help them. Maybe it's a simple matter of time and patience; maybe it's a mental health issue and a psychologist should be working with them. Or, there may be a time when you can take an educated guess as to how they felt at the time or are feeling now. It's okay to ask if they felt betrayed or abandoned; if you don't get the feeling word right, they will most likely tell you if they can. Make no judgments.
And maybe most important of all is human touch...the warmth of it...the sincerity of it that releases all the good endorphins in the brain that can make a person feel good, valued, and cared for. It's real hugs...not the perfunctory type so many of us experience these days. Newborn babies do not thrive without touch...neither can we, and that should give us a clue. The good news is it is something we all CAN fix.
While my solution may seem simple and akin to hogwash to some, let me back it up with facts from people who are a lot smarter than I am:
***Hugging is definitely a powerful way of healing. ... Hugs can instantly boost oxytocin levels, which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger*. Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.
Neuroeconomist Paul Zak recommends at least eight hugs a day to be happier and enjoy better relationships.
Shekar Raman, MD told Huff Post: “A hug, pat on the back, and even a friendly handshake are processed by the reward center in the central nervous system, which is why they can have a powerful impact on the human psyche, making us feel happiness and joy… And it doesn’t matter if you’re the toucher or touchee. The more you connect with others — on even the smallest physical level — the happier you’ll be.”
Seventy-five percent of people said they wanted more hugs from friends & family. Why not? It even reduces stress. Hugs encourage your body to release oxytocin which is released by the pituitary gland to help you handle stress.
*My thoughts on anger: I believe it is a rare occasion when anger is a pure emotion. Anger is a dirty blanket that covers other feelings and emotions people are either afraid to talk about, or they cannot find the words to identify them. Anger usually covers such feelings as lost, forgotten about, betrayed, cheated, ignored, bullied, unloved, misunderstood, powerless, excluded...and the list goes on and on.
So…today, try to hug your kids for 15 seconds. Do it at least four times today. You might have a 1 week old or a 17-year-old…hug them either way; age doesn't matter. The elderly need hugs, too. And listen, tune-in, watch their body language, and be there without your bag filled with what happened to you way back when.
It's a heavy topic, but it's something we all can do. Here's a cute video for your enjoyment. Just let me add that I don't consider it a prank. Kissing someone you love, and in the video even someone you don't know, obviously brings a wee bit of happiness.
Much of my childhood was very much like you described when I was living with my grandparents. However, there was an almost equal amount of it that was not good at all.
You are looking for the tipping point and I'm not sure there was just one, but rather a slowly emerging different type of lifestyle that was a result of many things. I will speak, without judgment, to some of them.
I think every parent wants more for their children than they had. A better and an easier life, for example, as many of our parents/grandparents didn't exactly have it easy. As kids, some of us didn't know that; others knew perfectly well how miserable and difficult life was. Until I was an adult, I had no idea that my grandparents had any hardships at all. While I was out playing until the street lights came on, my grandmother was in the cellar canning vegetables to be sure we had enough through the winter. I was sound asleep when she was up at 4 a.m. baking as many as two dozen pies to sell for the extra money. She took orders for her delicious pies twice a month. My point is this: there was or may have been a flip side to the coin that we didn't see.
In the 60s came the marches for freedom that were long overdue and I was a part of them. It was a time for change and change did happen, not enough in my opinion, not only for people of color, but in many other areas of life, too. People, including woman as well, began to stand up for themselves and demand better treatment, more freedom to do as they pleased and pursue their dreams. Somehow, the lives of many escalated into free love and drugs in the 70s. Whether or not one sees this as a good or bad thing doesn't really matter now as it's history. The freedom of many had been suppressed for so long.
At the same time, the Vietnam war was going on and that alone changed the family dynamics. Dad was no longer at home...and that is not to say war was the only thing that removed fathers from the home...there was divorce - a word that wasn't ever a part of my grandparents’ vocabulary. But regarding the war, I think it's important to note that we lost over 58,000 soldiers and many who came home were never to be the same again, whether physically or mentally. Their coming home brought no fanfare with it; so many people opposed the war I'm not sure there was much respect for our veterans upon their return. There still isn't today!
Over the years, women flooded the work place. I'm not saying that's a bad thing either, but they did not have equal pay for equal work. Many worked more than one job just to provide for their family and kids came home from school to an empty home having to fend for themselves for any number of hours.
Technology has improving by leaps and bounds. Over the years, we transitioned from the three or four channels on TV to 24 hour television. While there was some excellent programming available, often there was no one at home to monitor what was watched. There were probably more young people (some of them very young) who had to grow up fast...and they did. Meals, thrown together as best they could, were eaten in front of the TV; it was the only thing talking to them.
I'm not assessing any blame here at all; it's just what happened as I look back, just my opinion. If I was able to step back in time, I'd be hard-pressed to determine how to avoid it or change it. It seems as though everyone, regardless of their age, was forced to become more autonomous. Many of them did it very well, others not so much. Some of those who did not have family created or joined one. Gangs emerged and were not only very territorial, they were family. As weapons became more readily available, there was violence.
We still have that violence today, but most of it comes from an individual (or group of individuals) who needs something that is not available to them, be it in their homes or at school. I’m not defending these individuals, but I do have to wonder if things would be different if they had someone to talk to, someone around to spot a brewing mental illness that is being ignored. The result is kids no longer have the freedom or safe opportunity to go out and play until the street lights come on. I realize we cannot hide under a rock, but the truth is we never know if a theater, restaurant, a church, or any place is a safe place today.
And we have cell phones and social media where we can all communicate with one another...and we do. They have a purpose, especially today where families are spread out across the country, but there is no tone, no eye contact, and no body language. It's not the same. And for those who are going against everything that should be right with the world, something is missing - and it's probably been missing for years. It's called family, and while many of us have it, not everyone does.
To be fair, there are many young people today who turn out more than fine. They are respectful and responsible. They are active in sports and other school activities, or in some way in their community, and they excel.
I don't know that I can pinpoint what tipped the scales, what the turning point was, but I do have an opinion on what could help. It's empathy. It's a listening ear. It's people who know how to actively listen without interjecting any of their own stuff. So many people think that listening is remaining quiet while another person speaks, and during that time they are thinking of what they are going to say in response. And, all too often they bypass what the person just said to them and go into a statement that sounds like, "I know how you feel. When I was..."
Well, my friends, there goes the focus of the conversation from the needs of one person talking about an experience that upset or hurt them to the person who was supposed to be listening--a lost opportunity to gain insight into what is troubling or upsetting the person you were supposed to be listening to. You may think you actually know how they feel, and it's possible you do, but you never asked and you never gave that person a chance to tell you. The focus of the conversation was switched to something that happened to you. We would all, each and every one of us, do well to learn how to actively listen.
Please be aware that some have suffered so much trauma they may not be able to speak about it for sometime, if at all, and they may not trust anyone. Educate and inform yourself about how to best help them. Maybe it's a simple matter of time and patience; maybe it's a mental health issue and a psychologist should be working with them. Or, there may be a time when you can take an educated guess as to how they felt at the time or are feeling now. It's okay to ask if they felt betrayed or abandoned; if you don't get the feeling word right, they will most likely tell you if they can. Make no judgments.
And maybe most important of all is human touch...the warmth of it...the sincerity of it that releases all the good endorphins in the brain that can make a person feel good, valued, and cared for. It's real hugs...not the perfunctory type so many of us experience these days. Newborn babies do not thrive without touch...neither can we, and that should give us a clue. The good news is it is something we all CAN fix.
While my solution may seem simple and akin to hogwash to some, let me back it up with facts from people who are a lot smarter than I am:
***Hugging is definitely a powerful way of healing. ... Hugs can instantly boost oxytocin levels, which heal feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger*. Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness.
Neuroeconomist Paul Zak recommends at least eight hugs a day to be happier and enjoy better relationships.
Shekar Raman, MD told Huff Post: “A hug, pat on the back, and even a friendly handshake are processed by the reward center in the central nervous system, which is why they can have a powerful impact on the human psyche, making us feel happiness and joy… And it doesn’t matter if you’re the toucher or touchee. The more you connect with others — on even the smallest physical level — the happier you’ll be.”
Seventy-five percent of people said they wanted more hugs from friends & family. Why not? It even reduces stress. Hugs encourage your body to release oxytocin which is released by the pituitary gland to help you handle stress.
*My thoughts on anger: I believe it is a rare occasion when anger is a pure emotion. Anger is a dirty blanket that covers other feelings and emotions people are either afraid to talk about, or they cannot find the words to identify them. Anger usually covers such feelings as lost, forgotten about, betrayed, cheated, ignored, bullied, unloved, misunderstood, powerless, excluded...and the list goes on and on.
So…today, try to hug your kids for 15 seconds. Do it at least four times today. You might have a 1 week old or a 17-year-old…hug them either way; age doesn't matter. The elderly need hugs, too. And listen, tune-in, watch their body language, and be there without your bag filled with what happened to you way back when.
It's a heavy topic, but it's something we all can do. Here's a cute video for your enjoyment. Just let me add that I don't consider it a prank. Kissing someone you love, and in the video even someone you don't know, obviously brings a wee bit of happiness.
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